2010 at a glance

Well, i'm finally caught up on sleep! o yeah and its new years eve. hmmmm.I'll recap what I remember aka, all important events, of the year. attended my first ladies retreat. I suggest that everyone go to at least one. Started attending ladies bible class on tuesdays. I love this group! We're all family, so we laugh, cry, pray, and study the word. Switcched sunday school classes. I was very unsure of this move at first. I went once and didn't like it at all. But decided to give it another try. Now I love it. I watched 3 of my friends become wives, including my very best friend. O yeah, and their was a thing in my life called a boyfriend. We're just friends now, but it took a long time to make it their. I've watched friendships that I thought would never break crumble. It didn't exactly end badly, just when you email and email and hear nothing, it kinda hurts your feelings. I have drug my feet in the friendship dept, as well. I don't write anyone, I facebook, which is all fine if you have fb. I must get better at comunication! I reconnected with family that I had not seen in 13 years. And finally, I am the proud owner of a netbook!

home at last!

well, christmas is over, and I'm back in the place I love best. home! My own apartment, stuff, schedule, food, friends, phone, in short, life! the month of december has been busy from the word go! I'm ready to get back to my favorite place in my home invernment, church! I have enjoyed the extra sleep on sundays, but its not the norm. I had christmas with moms family as usual on christmas eve. Yesterday, I had christmas with my, uh, other parent, sperm doner, he is not a father to me, never has been. I got to see my step mom, granny, other brothers, neeces, and cousins. I'm still trying to figure out what, if any type of relationship I want with SD, aka, frank. I was civil and so was he, he spoke to me, but his words were empty and meaningless. I know I should forgive, or at least try to have some kind of relationship, but right now, I'm still so nervous and jumpy around them, and it'll take a long time before I feel ok. I love my stepmom and granny, and want to stay close to them, I text SM, so just need to call granny every now and then. The older of the other brothers didn't say 5 words to me, but he wanted a hug. That hurt, sort of, but I'm not pushing that one, we never were close. The 11 yearold sat beside me and opened his stuff, I was shy and so was he. Maybe over time we can get closer. If i have any kind of relationship with SD, I don't want to talk about the past. I want it left right where it is. I want him to know me now, not focus on what I was when I was 10. To end on a happy note, my brother in indiana and I have grown quite close.

helloooooooo, tennessee!

Well, I'm back! not home, but back in the state that is home to me. I'm hanging at moms till after christmas. On saturday, the kids got to open all there presents. and its a good thing, too! when we left on sunday morning about 1ish, their was no room to spare in that van! I got to moms a bit after 8, and have been trying to catch up on sleep for the past couple of days. I feel really run down and just, ug! O and to top it off guess who has a cold? O well, I'm trying to not let it get me down. I'm gonna cut this short, my bed is calling again!

snow? really?

the past few days have been fine. I really like it here, but I'm starting to miss the quiet of a kidless house.We're all getting along reallly well. We've been doing a lot of running around. most of it was trying to get christmas presents. Last night, we went to a program at the 6 year olds school. It was really good. I've been pulling a lot of late nighters. I think the earlyest I've gone to bed is 11. we're all heading to tn sometime early next week. I really miss my cat! No clue what the rest of the week has in store. stay tuned!

hello, indiana!

Well, I'm here! I got here late last night. The bus ride, to say the least was long. It was quiet as a toom for most of the ride. I tried to read, but couldn't concentrate, so I just quietly sat. I got in the capital of ind around 9. after a quick food stop, we started the 2 hour drive to where I'm staying. It actually turned in to a 4 hour drive, because it started snowing. We got home about 1ish. We stayed up till about 4. I was up around 9, to play with the neice. She's been a pill today. We're all tired, and so she being 5 is grumpy. we just finished pizza, and now we're al just relaxing. I think tomorrow we're going to do a bit of christmas shopping, or bargain hunting. stay tuned for updates!

bring on the nervs!

Well, my trip is almost here! And, with that, the nervs are really making themselves known. I can't sit still, I can't concentrate, and I have this constant feeling in my stomich! Wayne helped me pack the last time he was here, so that's done. All I have to do is schedule acces ride tomorrow to take me to the bus station on thursday. that, too makes me nervous. You never know what driver you'll get, whether they'll be helpful or not. Or how many people they have to pick up and or drop off. I so wish I could drive! I haven't even thought about asking anyone to drive me to the station, because everyone is busy,, and I don't want to cause anyone trouble. I can do this, I can do this, I can so totaly do this! uh, wait, I can, right? Sorry this post is all over the place, but that's my feelings now. You know I'm a mess when I can't even sit still to read!

11 days!

That's right, I leave to see my brother in ind in 11 days! Their is enough i's their isn't there? I'm so excited I can hardly sit still! I am nervous, to. I haven't gotten any further in my head then getting on the bus. I haven't gotten to the first few moments with the sil and the kids. I don't know what it'll be like seeing the brother after 13 years. I don't think it'll be what you see on tv. Where they're hugging and crying and saying o I've missed you so!First of all, I'm not emotional by nature. and secondly, he's a guy! enough said. Sleep arrangements haven't been worked out yet, but, I don't care! I'll sleep on the back porch if they tell me to. Christmas at the loftis house is dec 12! I have presents for the kids. I wanna make cookies with them, but I don't want to clean it up, so I'll just play with them instead. The kids not the cookies. I'll be really carefull and kinda nervous for a bit, I'll not talk as much, and I'll apolgize for everything if I'm feeling especially insecure. I'm sure my depression will make itself known at least one day. When it does, I'll be especially quiet, and not want to be messed with. If I can manage it, I'll go hide somewhere and read or talk on the phone or sleep. Usually after that, I'm ok. I hope it snows while I'm their! O snow, I want to play in you! I'm excited to see the tree and watch the kids. O yes, and I get to turn into a 5 year old again! Barbbi, here comes a 5 year old in a 23 year olds body. Dec 9, hurry up! please! Oh, p.s. I always ripped my barbi's heads off, so this could be interesting. I think I'm old enough to restrain myself.

can I get some air?

Well, I hit the ground praying this morning. Access ride was early, so that was all fine and good. I got their at 9:20, meeting wasn't till 10. However, we were able to get started not long after I sat down. We went down stairs, and lord have mercy!it, was, so, hot! I was ready to strip and ask hey can we just do this with you looking at the wall? So, he started asking me questions, but then had to go deal with something. So I was alone for about 15 minutes. He came back, and continued the questions. I now have a resume, not much in it, but I do have one. We worked on some interviewing skills. One thing that I guess is important to the sighted comunity is smile when your speeking to an employer. Oh, boy! I have a really hard time smiling on cue! I can do the motion, but its not their. It just looks like I'm saying, hey, look, my teeth! I was done by 10:15. not bad, I just had to wait on acc ride which was suppose to come between 11 and 11:30. So I people watched. They came and we were on our way. So that's where the job hunt is. guess what this means? I can blog about other things! books, family, the cat, etc. it was hot in the van, to! so now, I'm home in my pjs with the window open. I'll enjoy a few more days in my house, before going to moms on saturday to spend the week. Don't worry, I shall write sometime. It keeps me sain!

a small step

So, that phone call that I was waiting for in the last post? came last thursday. I have a meeting tomorro with a job development agency at 10. I'm nervous, again! I went to ladies class this morning, came home and read scripture, and slept. I knew if I didn't, I would just be sitting here going, well, what's gonna happen? and, plus, it was rainy and yucky, so give the girl a break! Anyway, just wanted to pop in and update with what little news I have. Prayers are apreciated! I'll write tommoro when I'm home and know more

the meeting

Well, LET ME START OUT BY SAYING IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE POST I put up on monday, you might want to do that, otherwise you'll be lost.So, I've been nerous about this meeting all week long. So when I woke up, I was a mess. To help pass the time, I started compiling a bucket list of things I want in life, some were goofy, some were not. I'm not done yet, but I'll post it when I am. Anyway, the time finally came for me to go down stairs and weight to be picked up. My pick up window started at 1:30 and ended at 2. So, I stood outside, and froze my behind off! So, about 5 till 2, they come. We had to pick up someone at the mall across the street. But the passenger wasn't where he was suppose to be, so that took like 15 minutes. I don't know what time we dropped him off, but I was getting a little nervous. So we drove, and drove, and drove. I texted and praid and worried. So we finally get to the building, and I'm just like, stressing to the max. I was 30 minutes late, and scared to death that the lady would yell at me. well, she didn't. to sum up the meeting, we talked, and I signed papers and then she said, ok thanks for coming in. are, you, kidding, me? 20 minutes or less, gese, she could have maile me the stuff. She said she was gonna get me connected with a job placement service called new, or knew, vision. The ride home was fine, just talked to the driver an this goofy guy behind me. I left at a bit after 4 and got home at 5:20. I'm glad that's done and over. now moving on to the next step. I guess I just wait for my phone to ring and then go from their.

another season in my life

Well, after giving it much thought, I have decided that medical transcription is not the way I want to spend my life. For one thing, I'm a horrible speller, and, I'm also a people person. I like being around and interacting with others, and with this job, I wouldn't have much of that. Working at home is not a good fit for me, either. I get distracted too easily, and wont finish what I started. I need to be in a work setting, where their is no distractions except those work related. I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, ok, you quit college because you didn't like it, you quit medical transcription, so, what are you good at? Well, that's a very good question, one that I'm trying to answer. I have a meeting with voac rehab on thursday afternoon, so maybe by the end of that, we will have come up with some sort of plan. I know this world has a place for me, I just need to find it.

rebuilding

Well, I started a process of rebuilding a relationship tonight. and gaining another one.My brother, who I had not seen since 1997, and his wife, my sister-n-law, added me to facebook last year. at first, I was very angry. I was like, what do they want! I was in no mood to relive the past, and I just wasn't having it. But slowly we began messinging each other, and just recently, my sil and I started texting each other. So I was texting her tonight, and one thing led to another, and I called her,and we talked. Now, this is a woman I'd never met, but as soon as we started talking, we clicked. She told me a lot, a lot about the brother who use to play with me. The brother that would take me on the fourwheeler, would tackle me in the hall way as we pretended to play football without the ball. The brother who would hold my hands as I rollerbladed around the basement. The brother that never had a good life until he found her. She told me that he's been clean and sober for 5 years, she told me he is a good father to their children. and, the most rewarding thing, she told me was he found and loves god, just like his sister! So, to god be the glory, great things he hath done! I don't remember the rest of that one, but, here's another one. O god, you are my god, and I will ever praise you, o god, you are my god, and I will ever praise you, and I will seak you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways, and step by step, you lead me, and I will follow you all of my days! This is such a blessing to me, you just don't even know! I just feel his presents around me and around my hole family! and you can bet I'll be giving my heart to him in tomorrow's worship!

sigh

a lot is going on in my head. I can hardly think much less write.so privately ask. either through email facebook, etc. and if your lucky, or rather unlucky, I'll tell you.

happy september!

September has many things to get excited about. for example, life groups start back up after a summer break. And, since all the kids are in school, ladies class is in full swing. We are suppose, the word being suppose to get cooler weather at some point during the month. And, the leaves change, not that it matters much to me, but everyone who can see loves it. now, my favorite part of the mont happens to be one word...... Football! that's right! UT and vandy football on saturdays, and titans ball on sundays! so now, my sundays will consist of, church, football, and nap. in that order. Yeah! bring on the fall season!

today

Today I was really depressed, but after reading the word, I felt tons better!isn’t god good? All the time! Tomorrow I get to go to ladies bible class, happy dance! They started last week, but I was at moms, so couldn’t go. I read some of the required text for class, so maybe I’m somewhat prepared. I most likely wont say much, if anything, because I like to take everything in, and hear others thoughts. By the way, the going without pepsi for a week didn’t happen. More later.

layin it down.

Well, guys, I’m laying down the pepsi. Yup, that’s right, starting what’s left of today, and all next week, through Sunday, I will not drink a single pepsi. I want to see if it’ll make me feel any different when I dn’t drink 2-3 per day. My intention is to write every day to tell everyone or ok, the one faithfull reader I know I have, how its going. I’m not going completely caffienless, but I’m cutting down a lot by not drinking any pepsi. So, stay tuned, andbring on the water that I really don’t like! Yuck!

calm

That’s how I feel right now .The past couple days have been so relaxing. Nothing special has happened, I haven’t gone anywhere, or done anything, I’ve just felt relaxed. I’m no longer looking at every boy I see and thinking, oo, he’s nice, maybe we could date. Its important to note that I haven’t had any contact with boys in a long wile, but think my previous statement stands. And, having said that, I’m off to either curl under a blanket, or read a book.

what a difference a day makes

Well, these past 2 days have been as different as night and day. Yesterday was awesome! Church was great, then we had a baptism. Then at the camp service last night, we had another baptism. In between services, I snuck in a nap, and read. After the service, we had pizza, great food and felloshiping, woohoo! Today, has been the total opposite. The plan was to get some much needed work done. Uh, right. Technology had other plans. I had to find and install another book reading program on my computer, because the one I had, kicked the bucket. Well, ok, so the flash card did, but either way, I lost all my books, not a happy camper! So I found, and installed a program from bookshare.org. But then I spent the next 3 hours trying to figure out how to use it. So, I had not only wasted my hole afternoon, I was well out of the notion to work. I figured out how to use the program, by the way. So, just as I figure this out, I go to use the bathroom, and flush the commode, only to notice a weird sound coming from it. I was like, huh, that’s odd. But didn’t think to much of it. So the next time I had to go in their, flushed it again, and was like, uh, wait, I hear dripping. I found the source of the drip, and followed it down, both sides of the commode are soaked in water. So, I have water all over my floor, and yes, I did feel to make sure it was just water, didn’t want any surprises. Ok. So, that happened. Its important to note that at this point, I was still ok. Even after all this, I was still ok. This morning, as I was praying, I said, lord, if its your will for mike and I to work out, then make it happen, but if not, then give me peace to move on. Last night when I got home from church, I was just soo excited about our new siblings in Christ! So I’m talking to him about it, and he’s like, o. well that’s good. As soon as I get that sentence out of my mouth, he starts complaining about how his day has been so crappy. That really brought me down, and really got on my nervs. And its not just been that. To be blunt, he doesn’t love the lord like I do. And, I honestly can’t be with someone like that. So, after prayer, and talking to Erica, I ended it. Its not meant for us to work out, I love him, but not in the way that he or I deserve. This example was given to me. Lets say your stand beside a firefighter, and you see a burning building, and you tell him, go, go fight the fire! And he does nothing. You keep saying, do it, do it, go now! Eventually, you stop saying anything, because your wasting your time and air. Mike has beenwanting to get out on his own since I’ve known him. But has he done anything to help himself? No! He’s just waiting on others to come in and do it for him. He wants people to say, o bless your heart, honey, ccome live with me and I’ll take care of you. I might could deal with that, might. But, he says, I love you to me all the time, but he never once shows it, and he always waits till the end of conversations to say it, and then its just like, o well, said that for the night, wont have to say it for another day. I want someone to love me for who I am, and what I like. I don’t want to have to change my hole personality just to make someone happy. And, hear this, I will, not, will, not, give up my relationship with god, for anyone! It wont happen! I’d rather die single and happy, than die married and unhappy and not knowing who my redeemer is. Having said all this, my wall of resistance is not their. If he calls me right now, or pushes and pushes, we’ll be right back to square one. So, if I have any readers, send up a prayer or 2 for me, please, I know I’ll need them. Checking on me wouldn’t be a bad idea either. I know without a doubt that I’ll have days where I’ll just want to give in, and ok, we can try again. If you care about me at all, you will not let me do this. I am serious, ya’ll, I’m tired of being torn from limb to limb. I need friends and prayers and texts and wallposts, and chocolate, or whatever. Ok, so maybe not the chocolate. I’ll be ok, just give me some time.

good saturday!

So, I woke up just as out of sorts as I was last night. Not in a good mood at all, and just wanted everything to go away.I snapped at the bf, and if anyone else would have contacted me, they would have been snapped at, to. But, wait wait wait, it gets much better. I ate lunch, and that helped, then I turned on the radio, OMW! Music! I heart you! I have two radios on in 2 different rooms, on 2 different stations. O yeah, and tomorrow? We’re singing songs I know at church, yippee! O and my favorite song leader is leading, get excited! Pizza after pm church tomorrow night, yay fellowship time!Soooo, my saturday is good! And, the day is still young!

thoughts

Well, lets put my thoughts in some sort of order. Things around here are mostly good. I haven’t been up to much really, just reading. That’s all well and good, but for one thing: I’m bord and lonely. I should be working, but don’t have the motivation to do so. Why, you might ask. While I love summer, everyone’s so busy, so this means less time with my friends, no mobility , 4 ladies bible classes, but they’re over, vbs, which I didn’t go to, abc, we wont go their, and just in generl everyone having stuf to do. I’m trying so hard to stay positive, but when my neighbor who use to come over every night, hardly comes over at all, and everyones just never around, its getting tough. Sorry, I’m just really frustrated. Moving on, I’m now back together with the guy I started dating in feb. No sarcasm, please. He’s having a bit of a hard time, which its not my place to go into. I miss my mother. She wont come up unless I twist her arm, so I just said forget it. Anyway, I’ll end now. Happy thoughts are appreciated.

what I would like to see happen for the new christians at church.

My weekend has been pretty good. Before I recap, I want to say that God knew what he was doing this morning. Camp was talked about, but he gave me the peace I needed and I was fine. I mean I wish I was their, but I’m not, so there. We had a baptism this morning. I need to go find the lady and say hi and welcome to the family. Sunday school was really good. Started going to the young couples class last week, and went back today. I discussed with the pastor the posibility of starting a class for new Christians. I emailed some people, and they like the idea, so, there is a chance a new class could form in the spring, happy clap! I just really think the church needs an outreach for new Christians or those who are kinda like, well, what is it? Who is jesus? I’ve known him for over a year, and don’t feel that I’m as far along in my walk as I’d like. I haven’t had a mentor, to guide me along the way. I would like to not only have the class, but hook everyone up with people who are farther along in their walk, and can answer the questions that us new be’s ask. The graduating seniors from youth group get a mentor, to help them through the first 80 days being away from home, going to school, etc.along with just being their to listen and pray over and for them. Last year when they did this I was like, ok, whatever. But this year I was like, wow! Ok, so I don’t feel like talking about my weekend now, it was fine. Any Nashville peeps wanna be my mentor?

its that time of year....

I’ve always heard that its better to express yourself then to keep it inside. So here we go. Every summer my church has Antioch bible camp at fall creek falls. This is for kids from 5-12 grade, I think. It’s a major deal. Everyone I know almost, is going. And guess who is not. And guess who is hurt, left out, again. The adults help with the kids, they are councilors, and teachers and stuff. So for the next week, all I’ll here is camp this and camp that. Now, I love the fact that baptisms happen their, and lives are changed. But starting on Sunday morning during church I’ll hear, are you all ready for camp? Sunday night if I go, they’re wont be hardly anyone there, guess where they’ll be. I don’t think I’ll go wed night. Saturday the 24, here it’ll come. Everyone will be coming back. Posting pics and comments on facebook. Sunday, morning it’ll be talked about. Sunday night, the service will be devoted to it, pictures, and videos, and o we had a blast and had such great memories.Noone’s even asked me to help. Everyone thinks I can’t, and maybe that’s true, but I wish some would have said, do you want to try and go and help? Instead I’m getting, well, I don’t think you could do anything, and, their’s lots of rocks and things to climb over, uh, so? I’m blind! That doesn’t mean I can’t walk! So, camp and I don’t have very good bonding memories, last year at camp time, the cat and I started having major problems. Now, I’m going to pray for the people there, and I’ll try to be happy and my normal self and all that stuff. But if I’m not, then you know why.

what I'm reading these days

Things around here have been fairly quiet. Hot, but quiet. I haven’t been working on my online stuff like I should, and I need to get back to that. I have, been doing tons of reading. Now, I’ll read anything, as long as it has a good story to it. The following is a list of what I’m reading as of today.
Fanticy in death. By J. D. Robb.

The Fiery Cross. by: Diana Gabaldon.
Wedding Ring (Shenandoah Album Series #1.) by: Emilie Richards.
Flowers on Main (Chesapeake Shores Series, Book #2) by: Sherryl Woods.
I am reading all of them, but right now I’m focusing on: The Fiery Cross.
Much awsumness comes from reading!