its hard to scale a wall

yep, its hard. so why build one in the first place? I didn't know at first I was building anything. By the time I figured it out, the bricks were already over my head. so I got to the point where I didn't care, and just kept building higher and higher. So now I'm trapped in a world of my own making, and I have no idea how to get out, the wall didn't come with a gate installed. I'm trying to decide if moving to cookeville would help or hurt the situation. Their are people on both sides of that issue. am I running or starting over? right now, I hardly know my name. right now I'm shattered into many tiny pieces. do I love myself? no. Do I love others? I thought I did. Do I love God? yes. Do I trust god? no. I'm trying so hard! its not that I don't want to trust him. But I don't know how. Everyone says god has a purpose for your life. Ok? what! is! it! huh! what! tell me! because I don't know. the weird thing is I have a devotional book that I read from almost every day. I have no idea why I do this. so, somehow, someway, I have to pick up the peeces and try to take this wall down. it might take a while, but I hope to be my usual self soon.