stressed

life is... well stressful. I haven't been this down for a while. It seems like everywhere I turn someone's fussin about something. I was suppose to start my volunteer work on tuesday, but due to lack of transportation I couldn't. I feel like just saying forget it. all of it. if i go to church on wed night I'm fussed at because its late when I get home. When I go on sunday I'm fussed at because mom cant get nothing done because she's waiting for me to call and say i need to be picked up. now the car's tore up and i'm already thinking o great how am i going to get to meet sherri sunday. wayne might do it, but I know he'll be thinkin well I need to be doing this or that. People think I don't know when I'm not wanted, o trust me I know it very well. Its a feeling I've had all my life. Mom didn't plan to get knocked up at 20, and she sure didn't plan on not havin no help from the father, i mean sperm doner. She was his fling on the side, he was already married with 2 boys. O yes, I felt it here, and I felt it when i had to go over their every other weekend, the stepmom took care of me, but I know she had to resent it. Mom has always worried about money, i've never done without food, but things have been tight. Her family helped take care of me and for that i'm greatful. Having said all this, I feel smothered. I feel like I've been livin in a buble and they're afraid to let me out cause they're afraid i'll hurt myself. so I moved to nashville to escape and be my own person, but I missed them to much, because they are always quick to jump in and help. maybe a bit to quick. So i came back, but now I feel like my indenpendense is gone. I don't do anything for myself anymore because why should I? mom's here and will do it. plus we just can't live in the same house, it just can't be done! I'm always wantin to gab on the phone and I can't because she goes to bed early. she works 10 hrs so i don't blame her, but i'm use to my own space and eating when I want and staying up till whenever. Now what do I do to escape my feelings of depression? I sleep, read, and eat. none of which is healthy. I figure if I stay in the pages of a book I wont have to deal with my life. I love being around people in fact that's what keeps me normal. so I live for sundays when I can go to church and act like a nut and get love and hugs from people. Its not all bad, trust me, but right now I just feel trapped. But, its one day closer to sunday! yay!

i'm freeee!

I feel like the lord has set my spirit free over the past couple of weeks! its the most awsome feeling ever! Last sunday, the 31, I was baptized, but this time I had the power of the holy ghost on me. I hadn't planned to do that, but god said, no, your gonna do it today, don't argue! my last one I had planned a few weeks in advance, and not to say that that wasn't meaningful, but this one was just amazing! and that water was sooo cold! as a song I can't get enough of right now says, jumped in the water, water was cold, killed my body but not my sowel! praise you jesus! I love you and will serve you, alwayse and forever. every prayer I've praid lately has been answered in one way or another. even simple stuff, tonight I saw something, and sent a message to check on it, and the devil was messin with my computer, he didn't want me to send that message, so finally i said, devil, get away from my computer, I gotta life to touch tonight! and whether i hear back or not, I've done my part, and now its up to god.

i'm freeee!

I feel like the lord has set my spirit free over the past couple of weeks! its the most awsome feeling ever! Last sunday, the 31, I was baptized, but this time I had the power of the holy ghost on me. I hadn't planned to do that, but god said, no, your gonna do it today, don't argue! my last one I had planned a few weeks in advance, and not to say that that wasn't meaningful, but this one was just amazing! and that water was sooo cold! as a song I can't get enough of right now says, jumped in the water, water was cold, killed my body but not my sowel! praise you jesus! I love you and will serve you, alwayse and forever. every prayer I've praid lately has been answered in one way or another. even simple stuff, tonight I saw something, and sent a message to check on it, and the devil was messin with my computer, he didn't want me to send that message, so finally i said, devil, get away from my computer, I gotta life to touch tonight! and whether i hear back or not, I've done my part, and now its up to god.