a look back. 2011

wow, what a year of changes this has been. As a disclaimer I can't give you the exact date things changed, but I'll try.I think at the beginning of this year things were great. But sometime between january and june things started to change. One major thing that started to happen was I felt really unhappy in the church I was attending. Now, let me be clear, it was noones fault, noone did or said anything to make me feel this way, but either way, I was unhappy.
I started making excuses not to go to church on sundays. If you know me at all, you know I'm at church every single time the doors are open if at all possible. So at some point during that time, I said ok, I can't do this anymore. Nashville is not where I need to be. So after much discussing and worrying I decided to move back to where I was born and raised and where the majority of my family is. Gainesboro. Well actualy I wanted to be in the bigger city about 30 minutes away, cookeville, but knew finding housing on my restricted income would be very hard,, so i moved back in with mom at the end of may. hello, can you say change? yeah, big time. I'm so use to being by myself and now theirs this other person here. She works 10 hours a day so I'm still by myself a lot. Its not easy living with someone, 99 percent of the time we're ok, but their is that 1 percent when we're not. we're so alike its scary, but then we're so different. she's in bed by 9 or 10 and I'm up till 1 or 2 reading. She's up at 6 or 7 and I'm up at 10 or 11. I was afraid when I moved back that I wouldn't be able to find a church I liked, or the people wouldn't be nice. Well a really late night conversation changed that. A friend told me about faith chapel, and it really intrigued me. I asked what kind of church was it and was told non denominational. I was like, ok, I'll try it. Plus I had never heard of a singing preetchor and was like I should check this out. I couldn't get my head around the fact that a preetchor sings. I went sometime in june, and was hooked from the start. But, their was 1 small problem. transportation. the church is about 40 minutes away from my house. my uncle took me a couple times and mom took me and dropped me off once. I knew I couldn't keep asking family to take me because its like out in the midle of nowhere. But at the same time I realized that I belong their. you know when you walk in somewhere and you just know you belong? Yeah, it was that from the time I set foot in their. plus I'm a music junky, and the music their is amazing! As god always does, just when I had given up and thought I couldn't go their anymore, he provided me a way. A very talkative and amazing one, to. So that was right up my alley. We meet them at a store about 10 minutes from my house every sunday morning, and I ride with them. Not long after I started attending I felt different, I realized I didn't have to sit still and be quiet anymore. If I felt like jumping up and down and shouting then I could, and trust me i do. Some people ask why do you have to shout or dance or whatever? I do it because thats my way of praising god and feeling close to him. and let me assure you that if you get the feelings I get when i walk through that door you'll dance and shout to. I'm in the choire and love it. I also was rebaptized in july, this one wasn't planned or thought out, it was ok, i gotta do this right now no waiting. we do ours at a creek, let me tell you, that water's coooooooooold! I was placed on a waiting list for an apartment back in june. and as of this moment I'm still waiting. But its gods timing not mine. sometimes I get frustrated but I have to remember that it will happen. most likely when I'm not expecting it to. I can't express enough how blessed I am. I was surrounded by amazing people at antioch church of christ, and am surrounded by amazing people at faith chapel. the only goals I have for the coming year is to continue to grow close to god, he is my all and all. and of course get in that apartment in cookeville. So, on that note, I hope everyone has a blessed year, and I'm here if anyone needs to talk or vent or whatever. I'm sure your thinking well i don't want to bother you, its no bother, that's what a friend is for. text or facebook me any time.

update on apartment, life, and a book review.

nope, not yet. that's the update on the apartment. I'm still just waiting on god to give me one. Most of the time I'm ok with waiting, but yesterday I wanted an apartment and i wanted it now. well obviously I didn't get one. But I also didn't like the feeling I got so last night I praid for the coming day to be filled with patience, at least on that issue. And today has been, the apartment is never far from my mind, but at least I haven't been sitting here going ok, i wanna know now, right now! In other news, I got my computer back the week before thanksgiving I believe. We're rebonded and everything so life is good. church is going good, duh! its church! I'm still singing in the choire and jumping up and down like a nut, haha. I gave my testimony the night before thanksgiving, I thought it was horrible, but everybody I've talked to said o no you did great. well ok then, I still think it was bad, but to each his own. ok, now its time for a book review. If I reviewed every book I read, thats all this blog would talk about. this book is called The Cross And The Switchblade. OMW! Let me say this, I can only think of 1 other book that I have read start to finish in 24 hours, and that was a child called it. This book is about a preacher who listened to the calling of the lord and went to new york in the 50s to try to reach out to 7 boys on trial for murder. what results in his efffert is a nation wide program called teen challenge. read it! and yes their is a sequel, its called beyond The Cross And The Switchblade. it was published in the 70s. o in case y'll didn't know christmas is coming, just thought i'd throw that in. My shopping is done and most of my gifts have already been given to the people so I'm like ok, i'm done. I hope everyone has a blessed holliday season in case i don't get back in here to write, remember its not about gifts, its about jesus. if I get an apartment after I finish celebrating I'll be sure to drop by and update the few readers I have.

blessings from heaven

Well, I have been needing to update for sometime. Its amazing what god can do when you surrender everything. These things wont seem like much to some, but to me they’re everything. First off, no, I’m not in an apartment yet. But, if I keep giving he’ll keep blessing and I know that.ok, I now have 5 versions yes 5 of the bible on my ipod. For a long time they didn’t have the niv, which is my preffered version, anyway, they didn’t have it up for download. A couple of weeks ago I got an email saying that just for oct 30 and 31 the niv would be available for download. I was like YES! Thank you lord! I have been reading from the new century version which is fine but I’d much rather have the niv. See, not a big deal to most of you, but god knew I needed the niv because I was use to it, and he allowed me to get it. Another thing, he has taken my anger and replaced it with peace and understanding. Now, do I get frustrated? Yes, do I get impatient? Yes, patience is not part of my dna.Ask anybody who knows me well, when I want something, I want it right now, no, not tomorrow, not a year from now, right this minute. I think Gods gonna end up teaching me patience before he gives me an apartment. Hey what can I say? I’m workin on it! For thoseof you who don’t think the lordis in every single part of your life, read this and you’ll think different. So I have had 3 computers in the past 5 or 6 years. Every one of them has had their hard drive go out at one time or another. Well now its time for the netbook the one I bought last year to have its harddrive die. Well we had a friend of ours look at it to confirm that that was the case, he said to see if it was still under worrenty and if so let them fix it. Well, I couldn’t remember exactly but I had a strong feeling it was, so today after 4 hours of dealingwith custumer service, my uncle called me back and said yes, it was still covered. Now, if that wasn’t god,I don’t know what was. Because there is no telling how much it would havecost to get it fixed if it wasn’t. God knows I’m saving up the money so I’ll be able to buy things for the apartment, mainly a washer and dryer when the time comes. Some will say o that’s just luck, no! no, it isn’t! that. Is. God! One more thing, now let me warn you that I still have not exactly figured out what he is trying to teach me, but I’ll go along and see what he has in store. So yesterday I was texting and I asked a question. Just a simple question, didn’t think anymore about it. Along with my answer came this feeling, and I mean it was really strong, I just felt like the person on the other end of the phone was stressed or worried about something. Believe me I tried to ignore it, But it wouldn’t go away, I mean I watched tv and everything and it was still their. So finally I just had to know if everything was ok, I rarely ask that question because depending on who I’mtalking to they might say it is just to shut me up. SO I sent the text and when I got my answer that everything was indeed ok, then the feeling lifted and I was able to think clearly again. Well sort of, then I got depressed over my computer but then remembered that god is in control here and I’m not. See? If he wasn’t then I wouldn’t be writing this but he has provided me with 1 till mine is fixed. Anyway, I hope god has blessed y’ll as much as he’s blessed me! If he hasn’t, think it over and you’ll either find some blessings you’ve missed, or realize that you haven’t handed over your intire life to him. Do it, it works, I promise you!

giving it all

well, I'm not exactly sure how to start this post, so I'm just gonna dive right in. to the best of my ability, I have given every area of my life over to god. every area except 1. my money. The bible says your suppose to give 10 percent of your earnings back to God. I have never done this. I was putting in 20 bucks every now and then but I haven't even done that lately. One reason plain and simple. feare of the unknown. I know once I give my money back to god, that my life will be totally and completely in his hands. and while I know he will make me the head and not the tail and provide me with many blessings, its still so unbelieveably hard to surrender the last bit of control I have. As a random note, I have never been able to just quote scriptures like I am, but these are just stuck on the clipbord of my mind and they're taunting me. normally I don't even think about this stuff till the offering is being taken up on sunday. then their's always that pang of guilt. and the voice in my head saying you should give, o i love this excuse, I totally love it. my excuse to myself as to why I dont give? well, i'm standing in the quire, and my purse is all the way over their and i don't want to walk over get my purse put the money in and then walk back over. see what the devil can do once you let him in your head? O o and the other excuse is this, well moms gonna ask why i need 70 bucks taken out every month, and when i tell her its for the offering and try to explain then she's gonna fuss at me. Right. I must find a way to get past this, if I don't, I'll never be blessed because I'm not doing the will of god. this post is very deep, and very hard to write. I thought about not putting it to paper, but i knew it would rattle around in my head till I got it out their. now, its up to me to act. nobody can do it for me as much as i would like them to. as much as I would love to keep pretending that everythings ok when I know its not. well everythings out on the table, so now we'll see what happens

food for thought

Well, their are a few different dirrections I want to go with this post. so we'll see which one I end up going. First of all I've just discovered the bennifits of writing down prayer requests. For some reason I thought it was like some rule that you had to remember everythingthat you were suppose to pray for. In otherwords, no looking at a list, o how wrong i was! and o how cool lists are! So on monday morning, I started a prayer list. Its sitting on my desktop, so its not exactly hard to miss. it will be even less hard to miss when i get rid of some icons on their that i don't need. Second, god has been really talking to me this week. In fact, my mind is full of ideas and things I want to do. I will briefly discuss them, these are just ideas mind you. prayer cloths. The other night I was just sitting here when those 2 words came into my head. I was like prayer cloth? Ok? then as I sat just waiting the idea slowly started to take shape. I feel the need to present every person who comes up for prayer with a cloth annointed with oil. I feel that it will be a link to the holy spirit and whenever they get discouraged or something they can hold on to it and pray and the spirit will lead them. that's as far as I've gotten on that. visiting the sick. that's pretty obvious, or is it? Not only do i want to be their for the sick, but I want to be their for the family. I want the family to feel safe and know that they can go home at night and get some sleep and their loved one will not be alone. Now, I'm not a nurse, so obviously they would have to be in the hospital or something, I would just be a friendly face to offer a kind word when they are afraid or can't sleep or something. In fact a friend of mine had surgery yesterday and I wanted to go to the hospital so bad I could almost taste it. I can't stand sitting here not doing anything. But again that's as far as that idea has progressed. so time will tell what god wants me to do.

traveling tuesdays. A fall adventure.

Sorry my writing has slacked off big time. I need to work on this. So today instead of rambling about my life, we're going to do a bit of traveling. so pack a virtual bag, and fill up your virtual car, and here we go. oh, their is one small catch, after you get to the destination, you'll be blindfolded until the trip ends. you'll be traveling with a group, but i'll be leading the way. so as long as you keep your hand on the person's shoulder in front of you then you'll be fine. their are some other small things, but you'll figure them out along the way. ready? ok here we go.
Allright, first thing we're gonna do is go pick pumpkins. Everyone make sure your holding on to someone. and we're off. Now, we'll be at the pumpkin patch in a minute. How we're gonna do this is their's nothing in your way except pumpkins, so when we get their y'll can spread out. feel of one to see if its the size you want, if so, kick it over with your foot, from what I remember about doing this in elementary school that gets the spiders out from under them. if you want it, place your left hand on the vine, and your right hand on the pumpkin, hold the vine and pull the pumpkin. then stand beside it till someone comes, your name will be writtten on the botom and it will be placed on a trailor and given to you at the end. allright, now grab a person and lets all walk back up this hill. its kinda steep so watch your step. We're at a trailor filled with hay and pumpkins, and about to be people, yup, thats right, we're going on a hay ride. So climb on up. off we go to the picnic area and the creek. Lunch time! everyone gets the lunch that they packed, i suggested a sandwich of some sort. Ok, everybody done? good, off we go. we're going on a nature walk. feel free to reach out and touch any tree or flower. hey, look! pinecones! they're all over the ground here, reach down. aren't they soo cool? reach over to your right or left, either one, ceetor trees. Ok going down hill. Now we're going on a wooden bridge thing, shhhh. hear the running water? its the... lake, hey its my trip we can have lakes and creeks in the same area, haha! Ok, now we're going up hill well actually we're turning around, and going back to our area. uh o, it looks like rain, o fine looks smells, whatever, y'll know what i mean. plus the temperature is starting to drop and the wind is picking up. Everyone is dirrected back to their cars. Sorry, gonna have to do the evening stuff at a later date. Y'll can take off your blindfolds. thanks for traveling with me on this fall adventure. Who knows we might go somewhere next tuesday, we'oll just have to see who's interested. make your reservations and trip suggestions now.

stressed

life is... well stressful. I haven't been this down for a while. It seems like everywhere I turn someone's fussin about something. I was suppose to start my volunteer work on tuesday, but due to lack of transportation I couldn't. I feel like just saying forget it. all of it. if i go to church on wed night I'm fussed at because its late when I get home. When I go on sunday I'm fussed at because mom cant get nothing done because she's waiting for me to call and say i need to be picked up. now the car's tore up and i'm already thinking o great how am i going to get to meet sherri sunday. wayne might do it, but I know he'll be thinkin well I need to be doing this or that. People think I don't know when I'm not wanted, o trust me I know it very well. Its a feeling I've had all my life. Mom didn't plan to get knocked up at 20, and she sure didn't plan on not havin no help from the father, i mean sperm doner. She was his fling on the side, he was already married with 2 boys. O yes, I felt it here, and I felt it when i had to go over their every other weekend, the stepmom took care of me, but I know she had to resent it. Mom has always worried about money, i've never done without food, but things have been tight. Her family helped take care of me and for that i'm greatful. Having said all this, I feel smothered. I feel like I've been livin in a buble and they're afraid to let me out cause they're afraid i'll hurt myself. so I moved to nashville to escape and be my own person, but I missed them to much, because they are always quick to jump in and help. maybe a bit to quick. So i came back, but now I feel like my indenpendense is gone. I don't do anything for myself anymore because why should I? mom's here and will do it. plus we just can't live in the same house, it just can't be done! I'm always wantin to gab on the phone and I can't because she goes to bed early. she works 10 hrs so i don't blame her, but i'm use to my own space and eating when I want and staying up till whenever. Now what do I do to escape my feelings of depression? I sleep, read, and eat. none of which is healthy. I figure if I stay in the pages of a book I wont have to deal with my life. I love being around people in fact that's what keeps me normal. so I live for sundays when I can go to church and act like a nut and get love and hugs from people. Its not all bad, trust me, but right now I just feel trapped. But, its one day closer to sunday! yay!

i'm freeee!

I feel like the lord has set my spirit free over the past couple of weeks! its the most awsome feeling ever! Last sunday, the 31, I was baptized, but this time I had the power of the holy ghost on me. I hadn't planned to do that, but god said, no, your gonna do it today, don't argue! my last one I had planned a few weeks in advance, and not to say that that wasn't meaningful, but this one was just amazing! and that water was sooo cold! as a song I can't get enough of right now says, jumped in the water, water was cold, killed my body but not my sowel! praise you jesus! I love you and will serve you, alwayse and forever. every prayer I've praid lately has been answered in one way or another. even simple stuff, tonight I saw something, and sent a message to check on it, and the devil was messin with my computer, he didn't want me to send that message, so finally i said, devil, get away from my computer, I gotta life to touch tonight! and whether i hear back or not, I've done my part, and now its up to god.

i'm freeee!

I feel like the lord has set my spirit free over the past couple of weeks! its the most awsome feeling ever! Last sunday, the 31, I was baptized, but this time I had the power of the holy ghost on me. I hadn't planned to do that, but god said, no, your gonna do it today, don't argue! my last one I had planned a few weeks in advance, and not to say that that wasn't meaningful, but this one was just amazing! and that water was sooo cold! as a song I can't get enough of right now says, jumped in the water, water was cold, killed my body but not my sowel! praise you jesus! I love you and will serve you, alwayse and forever. every prayer I've praid lately has been answered in one way or another. even simple stuff, tonight I saw something, and sent a message to check on it, and the devil was messin with my computer, he didn't want me to send that message, so finally i said, devil, get away from my computer, I gotta life to touch tonight! and whether i hear back or not, I've done my part, and now its up to god.

summer stuff

well, sense its pushing 2 weeks sense I've posted, I figure I should at least make an appearnce on this blog. No news on the apartment so still in the waiting process. The antioch apartment is completely empty of all my stuff, so now I'm officialy residing at moms full time, no turning back now. we're having our vbs at church this week, what a blast! Monday night I was an adult and stayed in the adult class, but last night I got to turn into a kid again! woohoo! Their was lots of laughter with only a few kids, and the adults and I talked about everything under the sun. o and they made crafts to, I made one, but didn't want it so i left it their. last day is tomorrow I hope i get to go! well their's a cookout and a closing program on sunday, but I already know I'm going to that, I mean come on now, it involves food of course I'll be their! School in cookeville starts back next week, so my volunteer work should start a few weeks after that. I'm sooooo excited! as a final note: getting out and about rocks, lets do more! thanks to my cool friends who have let me tag along with them lately.

coming home. and realizing who i am.

first of all, let me say welcome to my new readers. I've decided to blog here from now on instead of livejournal. Ok, now to what's been happening. this could get lengthy so you can't say i didn't warn u.As some of y'll know I came back to gainesboro tn, where I was raised. I had decided a few months back that it was time to move back to be closer to family. After 3 years of living alone in nashville it was and still is hard to adjust to having to share a house. I'm use to staying up till all hours, eating whatever and whenever I feel like it, well now i can't, at least till i find an apartment of my own. I went and filled out an application for a low income complex in cookeville, after a ton of paperwork, I'm finally on the waiting list. I don't have any hint as to how long it'll be before an apartment comes open. I found a great church, which I've been attending for I believe today was my 6th sunday. its amazing what god has done to my heart in just that little amount of time! I bought my first ever..... wait for it... i-pod touch the other day. It was more than i normally pay for something, but it is fully excessable and has a built in screne reader, so well worth the 200 dollars. I'm still learning how to use the thing, but I can already tell I'm in love with it, and all other apple products if they keep making things excessable to the blind. my uncle went and boxed up all my stuff yesterday, so now moms house looks like a disaster relief center. I think they're going next weekend to get all the firniture out. I'm almost certain that I have a volunteering opportunity in the fall at a pre-school that has special needs kids in it, so that'll be great! ok, ok, after all this, did anyone make it to the end of my post? come on! talk to me on this here blog, and while your at it, give god the praise! for he's a mighty mighty savior, mighty mighty god,mighty mighty savior, your my god, your my god! o o o, wait, wait, wait, I'm not done! if you need the holy, ghost, tell him what you want. and, last, is this. if your in a place where your spirit isn't growing and your heart isn't changing every single week, get out! a dorment spirit is like a dead flower, it needs water! so get out and poor some living water into your body.
Be blessed!

THE SPIRIT IS ALIVE!!!!

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it is well

I don't reallly have anything to write about, so I thought I'd post this. Because that's how I feel right now.
It Is Well with My Soul
1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed his own blood for my soul.
(Refrain)

3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(Refrain)

4. And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.

a hole new experience

Well, this morning was amazing! I went to my first ever nondenominational church. I have a friend who goes their so I figured I'd try it first, before looking at other churches in the area. wayne (the uncle) and I headed out about 9:30. Its quite a drive from moms to church, but as you'll read later, it was well worth it. So I had no clue what to expect, so I'm texting my friend just asking all kinds of questions. The last text I sent her saidsomething like I'm nervous, we should be their soon, or how about now. Then I turned off the phone and threw it in my purse. So we went in and sat as far in the back as possible in case we had to make a quick exit. And I mean we were in the baaaaaaack. Like, right up on the wall back. People came over and said hi and stuff, then it started. From the start I was like, wow! play that music! and the spirit started moving. I actually got chills several times throughout the service, and I don't think it was the air making me chill. So we sang a lot. Then he preeched his sermen, very well done, might I say! let me tell you something, for a church of christ girl I certainly gave god the praise today. I love a place where I'm able to clap and say amen whenever I want. Not saying anything bad about antioch, I love their style, and the singing is hard to beat, but this was just like out of this world! and I felt it, big time. Wayne said a few times he thought I was gonna jump up and shout praise god! and when something was said I agreed with I let them know by clapping. Once or twice I was one of only a few clappers, but so what. Now I'm hooked, big time. We hadn't even left the parking lot yet and I was thinking, man, can we go back! We had one person speek in tongues. at first I was confused. I was like well maybe they're a translator for spanish or something. Right behind that thought was if so they're kinda behind. I asked wayne what was going on and about the time I asked, it clicked. o! cool! they're speeking tongues. I was kinda nervous when they first started, I was thinking if they start rolling around in the floor and screaming and hollering I might have to go outside for a sec. But it was very calm and quiet, and he said what he needed to say then he was done. I thought it was respectfull that the preeture stopped speeking while this was going on. So now i'm trying to figure out how to get back their as much as humanly possible. its not fair to ask wayne to take me every time, because that's not his cup of tea. So the pondering continues.

some links to help you stay positive

The 3 links I'm posting below have really helped me this past week. This vershion of in christ alone is the best I've ever heard. I love the next song, beauty of the cross, have loved it sense the first time I heard it. This last one is a sermen by a paster who has just as much spirit or mor than randy paterson. My antioch people will know exactly what I mean. I have a friend who goes to the church where this man preeches, and she says its great.
Title: Avalon In Christ Alone Music Video
Youtube URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJCYHPPqmE0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Title: Beauty of the Cross - Jonny Diaz - Lyrics
Youtube URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9lK1NEy9s&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Title: STEVE WARREN--PREACHING AN AWESOME, MUST HEAR, MESSAGE
Youtube URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_c3msmp8Vc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
So if you've been strugling like I have, I hope these links touch you like they have me.

its hard to scale a wall

yep, its hard. so why build one in the first place? I didn't know at first I was building anything. By the time I figured it out, the bricks were already over my head. so I got to the point where I didn't care, and just kept building higher and higher. So now I'm trapped in a world of my own making, and I have no idea how to get out, the wall didn't come with a gate installed. I'm trying to decide if moving to cookeville would help or hurt the situation. Their are people on both sides of that issue. am I running or starting over? right now, I hardly know my name. right now I'm shattered into many tiny pieces. do I love myself? no. Do I love others? I thought I did. Do I love God? yes. Do I trust god? no. I'm trying so hard! its not that I don't want to trust him. But I don't know how. Everyone says god has a purpose for your life. Ok? what! is! it! huh! what! tell me! because I don't know. the weird thing is I have a devotional book that I read from almost every day. I have no idea why I do this. so, somehow, someway, I have to pick up the peeces and try to take this wall down. it might take a while, but I hope to be my usual self soon.

musings from a sick person

well, sense I've been in bed all day long, I figured I could at least try to put a few thoughts together and write them down. A huge portion of my mind is thinking about kids.first of all my neces. ages 1 and 2. their mom got her second dui in 5 months, and the state is doing nothing! It just makes me sick! They have horrible parents who wont take care of not only their physical needs, but they don't even ask about the kids when they're gone for long periods of time. I'm sorry, but those kids should turn your world upsidedown,and make you think. Another factor is this: who's gonna teach them about jesus, and how to do what's right? I saw the girls at christmas, and it was awfull. their parents didn't want nothing to do with them, they wouldn't hold them, and when they opened their presents joey and ashley didn't even care. why, why, why! my dream in life is to give love to kids who don't get any. And they're not hard to spot. I promise you. I wish I could have a job where I could be around kids all day, and just help them learn, and show them that people care what happens to them.

writing to god

well, I'm still alive.I just haven't posted in ages. A lot of things are going through my head. But I wont share them now. I've just discovered the joy of writing to God. I have a personal journal, that I started last night, after seeing the heartbreak on the news. I don't only pray in their, I write what I'm feeling. Both times I've bared my heart to god, he's taken the burdens away. This is just so amazing to me. Perhaps I'll update this blog more. I need to write about books. Maybe in the next post.

what convicts you?

this is a topic that I really don't know all that much about, but I feel it needs to be brought up. Conviction. Its a word that is heard a lot in the church as a body. My best friend uses it a lot. she'll say, whatever you feel convicts you. I think this word means whatever you feel strongly about. not being brought up in the church, their is a lot of things I don't understand. A perfect example: I know its considered sin for a man and woman to live together without being married, but I don't understand why. This makes it really hard for me to feel convicted when I see my family members doing this, because in my eyes, they're not doing anything wrong. In gods eyes, they are. Something I feel really strongly about is this:we go to church to praise his name, and to be with fellow believers. I have a real problem with people who will either come to church because they feel they're checking it off the daily list, or because they want to make someone else happy. I want to make my family and friends happy, but I will not give up my time on sunday mornings just to do that. Thankfully, noone has asked me to do so. On the other side of the coin, some think if you don't go to church you can't except christ. They say you have to be baptized and be washed clean. I agree with this to some extent, but I also believe that you can except Jesus in your heart and feel at peace with him and yourself. now let me be clear, you have to want him in your life, you can't do it to make anyone happy. And after you've excepted him, you need to strive every single hour of every day to be like him. And, I promise you, you'll know when your ready to take that step. it took me 10 months of going to church. One sunday out of the blue, we were standing at the end of the sermen singing a song, and I felt it. I don't know how to describe it, but I knew right then and their that I wanted to be baptized. But I still wasn't clear on exactly what I was doing, so I waited, and praid, and met with people who could tell me more and explain things. And in march of 09, I gave my heart, body, and sowl to him. We as christians have a long way to go in order to be like jesus,and if we don't have road blocks along the way, then we're not working hard enough. Wow, I didn't intend for this to be soo long! I hope this, andall my writing hits a nerve and makes you think. If it brings someone closer to jesus, then that's all the payment I'll ever need.

yep, its still their

I had a hole other post written. I debated writing about this before I wrote that. So lets just get too it. I have an online friend who is getting her second, or maybe third guide dog. What's the big deal, you ask? I applied for a dog knowing I didn't have the skils required. This was in 09. You have to know when to cross streets. You also have to be able to give the dog directions. You can't say, dog, insert name.... take me to the store. Another factor is you have to keep the dog working. This means having some kind of daily schedule. I didn't then, and I don't now. So when the person doing the home interview asked where all would I go with the dog, I knew I was in trouble. I was in more trouble still, when he took me to harding place and wanted me to if not cross, then tell him when it was safe to do so. We tried multiple times, and I could not do it. I knew this, but didn't want to admit I did. We talked a bit, then he left. wishing me luck. I thought, maybe I have a chance. A week or so later though, I knew I didn't. I got the rejection letter. While nicely written, I was heart broken. I'm still heart broken, but not angry at dog users. the last friend who got a dog got her over a year ago. Wow! really? To wrap it up, I'm happy for dog users, but am sad I'm not one. on another note, I go to fill out job apps on friday.